10 things I wish people knew about big families

This post isn't directed at anyone or anything specific. It's just that family size is getting smaller, and I find a lot of people react strangely to my larger family. I feel like I can explain things better when I'm writing than in person anyway. So here it is: 

10 things I wish people knew about big families

or

10 things I wish I could explain to parents of small families

1- I don't think my family is big. So in a lot of ways I don't really feel qualified to write this in the first place. In my mind, a big family is something like 9 to 13 kids. A medium sized family is 5 to 8 and a small family is 1 to 4. I am not shocked by people having five children, but I am surprised when other people are. My life feels perfectly normal, and I'm sometimes caught off guard by people's reactions to my choices. It is not weird to me.

2- Taking care of children in groups is very different from taking care of only one or two. In a lot of ways, you can be less strict with fewer children because there is more of you to go around. You can also afford to be more strict over little things because you have the time. Parents of lots of kids really have to prioritize what things they are going to fuss over. No matter how you try, you cannot raise an only child as if she were a younger sibling. Its not possible. Stop saying that she really is like a third child because of how competent it makes you feel.

3- Most "kid-friendly" places aren't. At least not if you have more than two small children. Sprawling play-places with multiple entrances, crowded amusement parks, swimming pools (have you ever tried going swimming with three toddlers? Nightmare.)Please don't be offended if I won't meet you and your children for a play date at Chucky Cheese. I know our 9-year-olds would have a ball. But I have four other children, three of whom can't operate even the simplest games by themselves, but they will all want to. And while they wait for me to dig tokens out of my pockets they will be sucking on the controls or the floor or asking to go to the bathroom. It just isn't worth it.

4- Having five kids is not the same amount of work as 1 kid multiplied by five. There are a lot of things that are actually easier with more kids. Like bedtime. You are already doing it and the younger ones like to copy the older ones and I know you don't believe me, but it is easier with more. But there are some things that do get exponentially harder. Each person is a new personality that has to fit in with the whole family. You have to navigate conflicts one on one and between every different combination of groups. It feels emotionally and intellectually more complicated even as the physical things get easier.

5- I don't have favorites. And I don't have less love to go around. Parental love doesn't work like that. I love each of my kids every bit as much as you love yours.

6- I used to be you. I did no spring into this life fully formed as a mother of five children. Once I only had one. And I was a new mom and I felt like I couldn't get anything done and like it would never end. But I chose to move forward with having more children so that I could become who I am. I work hard, and I study and try to learn more. The major difference between a mom of 1 kid and a mom of 10 kids is simply in the number of kids she has, not some psychological genetic mutation that gives her more patience than you. She chose to develop her parenting talents, don't demean her work by assuming she does it only because she is somehow a different creature than you and that it comes easy to her.

7- I have a life. I can talk knowledgeably about a wide variety of subjects that don't involve baby poop. Just because I do this full time does not mean it is the ONLY thing I can do.

8- I know when you are judging me. You don't hide it well. Honestly, most people do not even try to hide their disdain. I know you think I'm an idiot who is too stupid to work a condom. You might want to tuck that self righteousness back in. That is not how I ended up here.

9- I am not judging you. I don't think I am a better person than you. I don't waste my time imagining the state of your soul and I don't think that reproducing absolves sin. Sometimes I think you are naive, but most people grow out of that.

10- I feel sorry for you. I never, EVER wish I had fewer children. I am not jealous of your extra money or freedom. I love my life.