Eight is a big one for us. He'll be getting baptized and has reached what our religion calls the "age of accountability " Which means that he can now begin to sin. Woo-hoo! We believe that kids under the age of 8 are incapable of sin. They can misbehave, but sin is knowingly disobeying a law of God, which we believe that they can begin to understand at 8.
Our society is awful at rites of passage. We don't have any really good ceremonies or celebrations that show a child is growing up. (Maybe that is why we keep pushing back the age of adolesence.) We really wanted to make his eighth birthday a big deal, an initiation into growing up.
So partly in preparation for the baptism we took him on a date, just Husband and me. We got a babysitter for the younger kids and got to just talk about grown-up things. We talked it up for weeks. How excited we were that he is old enough to understand grown-up talk, how important it is, etc, etc. Then we went to a grown-up restaurant, one that does not say "burger" anywhere on the menu. And he sat on the inside of a booth right next to Mom and across from Dad where he could't escape. And he had nothing to distract him but his strawberry lassi. And we talked about sex. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Every kid's worst nightmare right? Well, every teenager's worst nightmare maybe. Not for an eight-year-old. He had a great time and thought it was cool.
I was surprised at how well it went. It wasn't awkward at all, not for him or us. I'm not sure about the people in the booth next to us, I couldn't tell how well the sound carried. It was positive and informative and we talked about everything I wanted to cover. I am very pleased.
Every kid's needs are different, and I'm not saying we have the perfect system, but I've had several questions from other moms about how we handled it. If you hate it, hey, at least you know one way NOT to do it.
First of all, we've been talking about "private parts" since he was a baby. Private parts are covered by your underwear. They are the special parts of your body that you use to go to the bathroom. Boys and girls are different. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. (SOOOO important to use correct words!) We call them private parts because they are personal and special. A grown-up like Mommy or Daddy or Grandma can help you in the bathroom, and the doctor will sometimes need to check your private parts to make sure you are growing healthy. Unless you are in the bath or using the bathroom, please leave them alone. And, when they forget and wander around scratching their crotch, (ALL kids do this. Boys and Girls. It is normal.) we simply ask if they need to go to the bathroom and remind them to wash their hands.
Then, of course, we answer every question in an age appropriate way when it comes up. Thus the chicken conversation. (By the way, I wasn't explicit in my last post about this, but a two minute sex talk goes something like this: "The male puts his penis in the female's vagina and a liquid with the cells from the daddy goes inside. Not pee, but a special liquid called semen. And the cells from the daddy meet with the cells from the mommy and a baby starts to grow.") This requires really paying attention to your kid and what they are saying, not what you are reading into what they are saying. An adult perspective is completely different from a kid's. You may think it was awkward to walk in the room and find your sister sitting on her boyfriend's lap and kissing. Your kid did not see it the same way you did, trust me. Be very literal and only answer the questions they ASK. And define things as you go along. A few words your kid will need working definitions to: vagina, penis, cell, private, uterus/womb, sex, baby, semen, etc....
And we have an age appropriate book about it. There are several options available. We went with "It's Not the Stork!" by Robie Harris, which I highly recommend. I read it beforehand and gave it to him to read one night by himself. You could easily read it to your child if they needed the information, but weren't reading independently yet. But I don't leave it in circulation with the other kids' books. Mostly because I don't want to have to read it to the two-year-old.
One thing that seemed to work very well was that he was by himself when we read it and when we talked about it. He and his brother are close in age and get along well, it would have been easy to combine and talk to them both about it at once. But I think it worked better that we didn't. It underscores that this is an important topic, and doesn't set either brother up as an expert to give advice to the other (I want that to be our job).
The other thing that I think is crucial to making this work so well is that Husband and I are on the same page about what to tell him and when. We've spent hours discussing our own beliefs about sex and sexual morality, and we were able to talk to him about it at the same time, without either of us really taking over or contradicting each other. This is one thing you and your spouse REALLY need to be on the same page about for yourselves, not just for the kids.
So I had made a quick outline of what I thought we needed to cover. It only boiled down to answering a couple basic questions: What is sex for? Why do we treat it with respect? And practically, what does that mean for an eight-year-old? or How do we show that respect?
Husband and I talked it over and wrote it down (I'm big on writing things down). I didn't end up getting my notes out at our dinner, but I had them in my purse just in case. The other thing I added at the last minute was homosexuality. We didn't go into a lot of detail about that, just defined it (and it's partner words, gay, fag, etc...). And told him that it is never, under ANY circumstances, ok to tease someone using those words.
It was such a fun night. We all had a good time, and I'm feeling like it was a great starting point for the rest of these conversations.
(I will go into detail about exactly what we said...but this post is getting long and it has already taken me several months to write and edit. Part 2 is partially written, I'll post it when I can.)
Every kid's needs are different, and I'm not saying we have the perfect system, but I've had several questions from other moms about how we handled it. If you hate it, hey, at least you know one way NOT to do it.
First of all, we've been talking about "private parts" since he was a baby. Private parts are covered by your underwear. They are the special parts of your body that you use to go to the bathroom. Boys and girls are different. Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. (SOOOO important to use correct words!) We call them private parts because they are personal and special. A grown-up like Mommy or Daddy or Grandma can help you in the bathroom, and the doctor will sometimes need to check your private parts to make sure you are growing healthy. Unless you are in the bath or using the bathroom, please leave them alone. And, when they forget and wander around scratching their crotch, (ALL kids do this. Boys and Girls. It is normal.) we simply ask if they need to go to the bathroom and remind them to wash their hands.Then, of course, we answer every question in an age appropriate way when it comes up. Thus the chicken conversation. (By the way, I wasn't explicit in my last post about this, but a two minute sex talk goes something like this: "The male puts his penis in the female's vagina and a liquid with the cells from the daddy goes inside. Not pee, but a special liquid called semen. And the cells from the daddy meet with the cells from the mommy and a baby starts to grow.") This requires really paying attention to your kid and what they are saying, not what you are reading into what they are saying. An adult perspective is completely different from a kid's. You may think it was awkward to walk in the room and find your sister sitting on her boyfriend's lap and kissing. Your kid did not see it the same way you did, trust me. Be very literal and only answer the questions they ASK. And define things as you go along. A few words your kid will need working definitions to: vagina, penis, cell, private, uterus/womb, sex, baby, semen, etc....
And we have an age appropriate book about it. There are several options available. We went with "It's Not the Stork!" by Robie Harris, which I highly recommend. I read it beforehand and gave it to him to read one night by himself. You could easily read it to your child if they needed the information, but weren't reading independently yet. But I don't leave it in circulation with the other kids' books. Mostly because I don't want to have to read it to the two-year-old.
One thing that seemed to work very well was that he was by himself when we read it and when we talked about it. He and his brother are close in age and get along well, it would have been easy to combine and talk to them both about it at once. But I think it worked better that we didn't. It underscores that this is an important topic, and doesn't set either brother up as an expert to give advice to the other (I want that to be our job).The other thing that I think is crucial to making this work so well is that Husband and I are on the same page about what to tell him and when. We've spent hours discussing our own beliefs about sex and sexual morality, and we were able to talk to him about it at the same time, without either of us really taking over or contradicting each other. This is one thing you and your spouse REALLY need to be on the same page about for yourselves, not just for the kids.
So I had made a quick outline of what I thought we needed to cover. It only boiled down to answering a couple basic questions: What is sex for? Why do we treat it with respect? And practically, what does that mean for an eight-year-old? or How do we show that respect?
Husband and I talked it over and wrote it down (I'm big on writing things down). I didn't end up getting my notes out at our dinner, but I had them in my purse just in case. The other thing I added at the last minute was homosexuality. We didn't go into a lot of detail about that, just defined it (and it's partner words, gay, fag, etc...). And told him that it is never, under ANY circumstances, ok to tease someone using those words.
It was such a fun night. We all had a good time, and I'm feeling like it was a great starting point for the rest of these conversations.
(I will go into detail about exactly what we said...but this post is getting long and it has already taken me several months to write and edit. Part 2 is partially written, I'll post it when I can.)
4 comments:
thank you for posting this since you know.... I love that you have to do all this stuff first.
sounds like it went really well. (taking notes)
You guys are awesome! Another great book is "What's the Big Secret?"
Thanks for posting!
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