Lil' Girl got her hair cut last week. She asked for it, and I feel very strongly that my kids should be in control of their own hair. She was really excited. It is just below her ears. Of course, she looks adorable - she always does.
I had a mini panic attack. Maybe not so mini. I worry about her so much. I've seen the way kids can sometimes be rude to each other when someone doesn't conform to their expectations, and where we live now has a lot of rigid gender stereotypes. I would hate for someone to say something hurtful to her. And even if they don't tell her she looks like a boy, what if she gets so much praise for her shorter hair that she thinks its better? Better to not be stereotypically feminine because girls are worse and being a girl is somehow inferior?
And then there is the why...... Why did she want to get her hair cut? Several months ago she got it cut. It was really long and we donated the 12 inches of blonde curls to Locks of Love. She was excited for the change and got a lot of praise and attention for that, too. She overheard me telling the story of how happy and cute she was while getting her haircut to her Grandmothers and aunt on the phone.
[side note: I try to be careful about what stories my kids overhear me telling about them. They are always, always, always listening!]
And I took pictures and put them on instagram and facebook. Sometimes when she is bored or upset we look back at all those old pictures of her. And she is still very proud of that haircut.
So is she doing this now because I created this story about her? Because she now has to be this person I said she is? Did I create a script she is following?
She tries so hard to be good, to do what she thinks is right. And I have no idea what I am doing. It scares me that she trusts me so much. What if I say the wrong thing, or get angry with her about something stupid and she lives the rest of her life believing something completely backwards because of me?
And I probably already have. I know I already have. I've already made her life harder; and all I want to do is watch her become this amazing person with this huge personality that she already is. She just IS amazing, and I don't want to ruin that.
So I panic about little things like haircuts and I'm scared a lot. The only thing that really helps is prayer.
Because I don't need to be reassured about my parenting. I know I'm doing all I can. And I know that at the end of the day, she is a strong person. But I also know that I majorly fail her a lot.
And this is the whole point of the atonement. This is why I need the grace of God every single day. Because I have messed up and will again, even when I am trying my best. And grace is the only thing I know that can actually fix these problems.
Please, please, please protect my girl from me and the whole world. We are not a good as she deserves.
p.s. I will add pictures when the computer and I are playing nicely together again. For some reason we are having issues today. :)