The care and keeping of introverts

I think of myself as an introvert, but if there is a continuum, I'm closer to the middle. And my fourth child? She is ALL the way at the end. In some ways, it feels like I'm still getting to know her. Nearly four years as her mother and she is still sometimes guarded with me, still revealing her personality piece by piece. And this girl has personality to spare, she is so delightful and fun, she just keeps it to herself until she feels ready to share.

And she is very articulate for a three-year-old, so lately she has shared some thoughts that are so classically introvert that I felt I should pass them along, just in case you come across an introvert sometime in your life and want to understand what is going on inside their head.

The other day she was playing with her dolls, making them sing and dance. (Aside: She would not have been singing so freely if I had been watching her. She likes to know I am there and paying attention, but does not like to be the center of attention. So I was packing and she was playing - and we just happened to be in the same room.) Her doll was dancing on the dollhouse roof: "I'm so BRAVE! I'm the bravest! I can talk to anyone in the whole world!"

Dancing on the roof? Not a problem. Talking to any random person? Now that takes guts.

A few days later she was playing with another doll - this one can open and shut her eyes when she sits up or lays down. She brought the doll into my room, situated her on my bed and informed me: "Mom, she isn't asleep. She is just doing that with her eyes because she doesn't like people."

Dancing in the moving truck

And last week we moved. Overall, this will be a very good change for our family, but it was still change and that is stressful. New experiences take a lot of energy out of an introvert and she need lots of time to recharge.

Child #4 was great. Exploring the moving truck was cool and she enjoyed the slumber party after I had disassembled the beds. She was excited about going to a new church building and meeting new friends. She stayed in her class with no fuss at all. And when I picked her up after class she tightly wrapped her arms and legs around me and whispered in my ear "I'm never letting go of you again!"

After about half an hour of cuddles she was ready to play by herself again. The next day she begged for her favorite foods for lunch and then climbed into her bed and slept for three hours.

I have been trying to be respectful of her needs and to help her through all this change. One of the best things I did was a complete accident. While packing I came across an old blanket of mine. A miniature purple down comforter. She has adopted it as her own and wraps up in it whenever she needs some time alone.

Napping for the first time in at least a year

And she has needed lots of alone time. This is one of the hard things about being an introvert in a big family. She loves her siblings and plays with them a lot, but sometimes she just needs to play alone. And she doesn't really care which toys she gets as long as no one is touching them or her. Having quiet time in her bed is a huge help. She gets a couple of toys and as many books as she wants and everyone has to be quiet and in their beds. It is extra nice because child #5 is still in a crib and can't get out to bug her even if she wanted to. At our house beds are sacred territory, you are never allowed to get into anyone else's bed unless invited.

The more I get to know her, the more I realize what a treasure she has shared in opening up to me. She won't allow very many people in her life to be this close to her. And I'm her mom. I get to be the first. What a gift! I'm actually a little terrified that I might accidentally dismiss something important from her one day, and unknowingly betray that trust. I'm afraid that would be a disaster for our relationship.

Husband and most of our kids are introverts as well, so she is in good company, but I think she has needed the most TLC lately. Mostly it is about finding the right balance between being respectful of her space and being available when she needs comfort.