A bit of psychology

So I worked out yesterday. Yay me!

Now, I am not ordinarily a big fan of people who feel the need to broadcast their exercise status all across the internet. No one cares that you spent an hour at the gym today - you are just making the rest of us look lazy, which may be the point, I don't know.

But I'm bothering posting about it partly because it has been several months since the last time I worked out, so it's kind of a big deal, but mostly because before that I was on a pretty good routine and I finally found something that works for me (mostly) so I thought I'd share.

I'm not the kind of person who loves to work out.  I do like to run, but mostly because I can listen to my music loud and no-one can be clinging to my leg. I don't like being sore the next day because I pushed so hard. I don't love a aerobics class or sweating with other people. None of that is appealing to me.

And the biggest reason I don't love to work out is because of the mental state I have to be in to exercise the way most people seem to recommend. I've done it, but I've realized that I have to hate myself a lot. Disgust with myself and my body is the only way to keep going when I feel terrible and want to quit.

For me, it became a form of self-punishment. A way to medicate against my low self-esteem. (There are much worse coping strategies, I know.) But I found a lot of my pleasure in working out was vindictive against my body. I felt I deserved to suffer through a hard workout because I let myself eat junk food. And I was glad that I was sore in the morning because I knew I was a bad person. It was the same kind of subtle hate I was feeling for myself when I picked at a pimple or a hangnail. It almost felt better to be inflicting pain that I felt I deserved. And it worked the other way too. I would eat junk food while hating myself for eating it and feeling like I deserved to be fat and unhealthy. I would tell myself how ugly I looked because I have so many pimples while picking at them and making them worse because I did not deserve to be pretty.

Recognizing why I was doing it was a huge first step in stopping. Logically, I know I am a good person and that I deserve to be happy and healthy just like everyone else. I don't wish pain or sickness on someone else, why would I bring it on myself? Becoming aware of the thoughts behind my actions helped me take control of how I was thinking about myself.

But I still wanted to work out because I want to be healthy and active. So here is my safe-easy-fun-do-it-yourself-patented-home-workout method. Look for my name next to...... someone famous for working out ( I don't know any of those people's names)

I found a five minute zumba video on YouTube, and I thought. "I can do five minutes." And I did. Then the next day I did five minutes, and the next. Any day that I did any kind of exercise I deliberately told myself how great I was, how healthy I was, how much more energy I had. I celebrated every time. Even those days that I held a plank for five seconds and quit. Five SECONDS! Woo-hoo! It's five seconds more than nothing. My only goal was to do something active every day. Two push ups? Awesome. Danced to my favorite song for three minutes? Perfect. The days I managed to do a seven minute routine from YouTube I felt so powerful.

Naturally, it didn't last forever. And I can't post pictures of how sculpted my body is now, or tell you the number of pounds I lost (we don't own a scale anyway.) That wasn't the point. The point was that I felt better, I had more energy and I liked myself. Then chaos took over and I lost my momentum. And that was fine too. I did not NEED to work out, I just like it. I like spending time everyday on something that makes me feel good. I can spare five minutes for myself.

And so can you. That is what I wanted to pass on. It doesn't have to be exercise. Read a book, play a video game, paint a picture, build a cabinet, whatever. Just become aware of how you are thinking about yourself and don't be your own enemy.

It's hard still, sometimes. I can't completely change my thought patterns at once. I can not always stop myself from feeling bad about myself. What I can do is take time every day to fill myself with positive thoughts. Rather than trying to silence the bad, I'm trying to drown it out. A flood of positive that leaves no room for negative.

And a page from "The Twits" By Roald Dahl