They know me too well

The house was so clean when the boys came home from school that they noticed.

Boy 1: "Wow!  Mom!  The house is so clean!"

Boy 2: "Wow, yeah. We better check the garbage."

Just because I throw away garbage - or things that look like garbage - or things that are annoying - or in my way.  

Overheard

Boy 2:  "Hey!  Guess what?  I'm smarter than Emily and Amelia in my class."

Boy 1:  "I know.  That is what is great about girls."

"But she LIKES it."

I tell my kids all the time that just because the baby is smiling does not mean they should be carrying her around by her neck/pulling her around by her ankles/ rolling her down the stairs; they need to be careful with the baby.  But apparently, I'm a bad example.

This is the baby in a five gallon bucket, playing with my cell phone.  I didn't actually mean for the

 "warning: keep children away" sign to be in the picture - but I think that makes it better.

But hey, I got the floor mopped.

How to Potty Train your Toddler in One Day

BAAA HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, I'm sorry.  Did you think I was serious?

This post may sound a bit like advice.  And I love to give advice, but I try not to unless someone asks - so that I don't sound like a know-it-all, which I totally AM, but that is beside the point.

I started writing this post in my head a couple of months ago when I started potty training our third child.  I kind of thought I was an expert on this stuff - I mean, I've personally potty trained two and a half children.  Plus, many, many years ago - when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I didn't have stretch marks - I worked in the two-year-old classroom at a day-care center.  The three-year-old room didn't have diaper changing facilities, so the kids had to be potty trained by their third birthday (no pressure).  I was assistant potty-training up to 14 kids at a time.

When Lil' Girl was ready to start her adventure, I figured it would be no big deal.  Yawn, I've seen it all before, I'm way too experienced to be frazzled by any of this anymore.

HA!

So this is my list of reminders to myself about some of the tricks I've re-learned.  I figured they might be helpful to someone else as well.

•  Know that you are in for the long haul.  A lot of books will tell you that you can train your child in one day, or that your child can be trained at six-months-old.  That is impossible.  You can transition from diapers to underwear in one day - but to me, that isn't the same thing.   To me, a child is not potty trained until she is completely potty trained.  In other words, I don't have to deal with her crap anymore.  (I get that as a mom, dealing with kid's crap is kind of my job, but at least it doesn't have to be figurative AND literal.)  So if I still have to go with her to help with the arranging of clothes or wiping or even turning on the water to wash hands, we aren't done.  

• Don't be too quick to buy and use underwear.  This is actually one of the last steps.  A lot of "experts" (the ones who are sponsored by children's underwear companies) will tell you to buy cute underwear with your child's favorite character on it to get her excited about the whole process, and then hope that she will feel so bad about soiling them.  I think this is a bad idea for a couple of reasons.  It's expensive and you're going to need a ton to start out with, and you don't want your kid to feel bad about accidents.  They're accidents.  Buy a huge package of generic underwear to start with.  If your child is really resisting, consider upgrading to the fairy/princess/robot/superhero kind.  I goofed on this one this time.  Lil' Girl loved her new underwear so much she sneaked out of her bed at naptime and put every single pair of underwear she owned in bed with her.  Then she fell asleep and wet the bed.  And had to wear a diaper while I did laundry.  MOMMY FAIL.

• The potty chair.  I'm not a fan.  Mostly because I don't need ANOTHER toilet to clean.  If possible, teach your kid to use the facilities he will be using for the rest of his life.  This is also good because when you are traveling, the less stuff you have to cart around the better.  Again, I didn't do it that way this time.  Because Lil' Girl is smaller and younger than her brothers were when they started, and it is hard to relax enough to "go" if you are about to fall "in."  So they can be useful.  But you may not want to fork out the money for one until you are sure you need it.  Also, the simpler, the better, because you are going to have to clean the whole thing.

• The words.  You better get comfortable using potty words casually and sometimes in public.  Your child needs words for all of the body parts involved, the equipment used and the results produced.  Please teach your child real words, not made up ones.  If you don't, kids like mine come home from school no longer wanting to say penis, because the words his friends use are much funnier.  (Thanks a lot.)  If you must use euphemisms please keep a couple of things in mind:
• I will make fun of you in my head for not being able to say vagina.
• Now is not the time to get creative.  Maker sure that your made-up words are at least standard issue.  Eventually she may have to ask the babysitter or her best friend's mom where the bathroom is.  It is best if other people actually understand what your child is trying to say.  
• Also, be aware that the words have power.  We need words to express ourselves, even if only to ourselves.  Please, please, please don't make your child feel ashamed or inferior about things that are a natural process in life. 

•  Know the other concepts your child has to learn. Learning to use the toilet is actually a fairly complicated process.  It is more than just paying attention to your body.  Your kid needs to know words and concepts for before, during and after; up and down; opened and closed; front and back.  She has to be able to do buttons and snaps (or only wear things with elastic waists) push a stepstool around or find her potty chair.  

• Buy Clorox Wipes!

• Rewards.  Again, not a fan.  The whole point is to be able to phase these out, so the sticker/candy/toy can't be the only reason your child will use the bathroom.  Also, they just didn't work for my kids - except when it made the non-potty-training children jealous, which created a whole new set of issues.

• Consider your child's personality.  Not everything works for every child, so go ahead and read whichever gook you want to, and then be prepared to modify everything

Woe is me

I'm 17 weeks into my sixth pregnancy and my jeans are getting tight.

Some people just don't understand my pain.

The birds and the bees and the . . . um. . chickens

My oldest is seven, and we haven't had "The Talk" yet.  Every parenting book and bit of advice I've heard says you should wait until the child has questions, and then answer them honestly and simply - making sure you only give as many details as the child is ready to hear.  So it shouldn't be one big talk but several conversations over the years as your child gets more mature and is ready for more information.

I've been anticipating his questions for a while now, trying to be prepared, trying to get comfortable with the idea of discussing intimate things with this being who is a product of my own intimacy.  I'm actually surprised it has taken this long.

See, we have a very inquisitive seven-year-old.  And I've been pregnant most of his life.  So he knows all kinds of things you might not expect him to.  He can tell you that it takes a cell from a mommy and a daddy and that a baby grows in a woman's womb.  He knows how the baby gets out and how it eats.  He can even draw you a diagram and explain why even though I have brown eyes and John has blue eyes only one in four of our children have brown eyes - also, why fifty percent of our children are male and fifty percent are female.  (We are statistically predictable)  But somehow we have never gotten to how the cells get together in the first place.

Well, we hadn't.

So his teacher thinks it would be a good idea if the kids in her class could think, and not just repeat facts to her (I don't know where she gets these crazy ideas).  And so she has been sending home short stories for the children to read with a parent and think of questions and then share during a class discussion.  The most recent story was about chickens.  The farmer gathers the eggs and sells them at the market.  One day a black hen shows up that lays a black egg (magic is afoot). While the farmer is deciding if she should take the egg and sell it or leave the egg and see what hatches we pause to think of questions.

Him:  "Well, I have a question."

Me:  "OK."

Him:  "If the egg is already in the shell when the hen lays it, how does a cell from the rooster get inside the egg?"

Me:  "Well, that happens inside the hen's body, when the egg is being made."

Him:  "How does a cell from a rooster get inside a hen's body?"

OK, I think to myself,  I guess we are doing this here and now.  But I'm stumped.  I want to be all clear and calm and matter of fact, but I have no knowledge of the mating habits of chickens.  I mean - I can guess - it can't be that complicated - but I don't even know the words - does a cock have a cock?  (Yes, underneath all this sophisticated veneer, I'm actually thirteen years old and laughing at all the inappropriate places.)

So I tell him I'm not sure what the words are for chickens.  He assures me that the people words will do just fine.  I give him a two sentence sex talk.  He nods and we go back to the story.  It was a magic egg, a little elf thing hatches out.

I'm kind of blown away.  That was IT?  I've been waiting for this question for years, and we discuss it over chickens and he doesn't even blink?  I wanted to call him back and tell him all of the other things, like please don't bring this up to the next door neighbor in church, and you know you can always come to me with questions, blah, blah, blah.

And then I realize, this is exactly how it is supposed to work.  Information in bite size pieces that fit in with your everyday life.  This was sex talk number 1 out of 7,549; nothing to get all worked up about.  Kind of like sex itself.  Just another part of life that you talk about when it is appropriate and go back to magic chickens when its not.

quotes

I love listening to my kids talk.  It is like getting tiny glimpses into how they think, and I love how they think.

It is so cute how they can be so logical and still wrong.  And I'm sure Heavenly Father thinks this about me all. the. time.

A few quotes from my sweet two-year-old:

As she is helping me do the dishes
Her: "What is this?"
Me: "Its a cup."
Her: "What is this?"
Me: "Its a baby spoon."
Her: "A baby spoon?  Oh! Its SOOOO cute!  What's it's name?"
Me: "Its a spoon.  It doesn't have a name."
Her: "Yes it does.  See?"
Turns out the spoon did have words on it, so it does have a name.

After I tried on a new dress and then changed back into my regular clothes
Her: "Mom! Where is your beautiful dress?"
Me: "I took it off."
Her: "But you are supposed to WEAR it!"
Me: "Why?"
Her: "Because its MONDAY!" (The"duh" was implied.)

Pretending to cook
Her: "I am making dinner. . . . it is called, yucky food. . . .Want a bite?"

I'm pretty certain that our house is going to sound just like this in a few years.  (minus the British accents)