How to Potty Train your Toddler in One Day

BAAA HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, I'm sorry.  Did you think I was serious?

This post may sound a bit like advice.  And I love to give advice, but I try not to unless someone asks - so that I don't sound like a know-it-all, which I totally AM, but that is beside the point.

I started writing this post in my head a couple of months ago when I started potty training our third child.  I kind of thought I was an expert on this stuff - I mean, I've personally potty trained two and a half children.  Plus, many, many years ago - when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I didn't have stretch marks - I worked in the two-year-old classroom at a day-care center.  The three-year-old room didn't have diaper changing facilities, so the kids had to be potty trained by their third birthday (no pressure).  I was assistant potty-training up to 14 kids at a time.

When Lil' Girl was ready to start her adventure, I figured it would be no big deal.  Yawn, I've seen it all before, I'm way too experienced to be frazzled by any of this anymore.

HA!

So this is my list of reminders to myself about some of the tricks I've re-learned.  I figured they might be helpful to someone else as well.

•  Know that you are in for the long haul.  A lot of books will tell you that you can train your child in one day, or that your child can be trained at six-months-old.  That is impossible.  You can transition from diapers to underwear in one day - but to me, that isn't the same thing.   To me, a child is not potty trained until she is completely potty trained.  In other words, I don't have to deal with her crap anymore.  (I get that as a mom, dealing with kid's crap is kind of my job, but at least it doesn't have to be figurative AND literal.)  So if I still have to go with her to help with the arranging of clothes or wiping or even turning on the water to wash hands, we aren't done.  

• Don't be too quick to buy and use underwear.  This is actually one of the last steps.  A lot of "experts" (the ones who are sponsored by children's underwear companies) will tell you to buy cute underwear with your child's favorite character on it to get her excited about the whole process, and then hope that she will feel so bad about soiling them.  I think this is a bad idea for a couple of reasons.  It's expensive and you're going to need a ton to start out with, and you don't want your kid to feel bad about accidents.  They're accidents.  Buy a huge package of generic underwear to start with.  If your child is really resisting, consider upgrading to the fairy/princess/robot/superhero kind.  I goofed on this one this time.  Lil' Girl loved her new underwear so much she sneaked out of her bed at naptime and put every single pair of underwear she owned in bed with her.  Then she fell asleep and wet the bed.  And had to wear a diaper while I did laundry.  MOMMY FAIL.

• The potty chair.  I'm not a fan.  Mostly because I don't need ANOTHER toilet to clean.  If possible, teach your kid to use the facilities he will be using for the rest of his life.  This is also good because when you are traveling, the less stuff you have to cart around the better.  Again, I didn't do it that way this time.  Because Lil' Girl is smaller and younger than her brothers were when they started, and it is hard to relax enough to "go" if you are about to fall "in."  So they can be useful.  But you may not want to fork out the money for one until you are sure you need it.  Also, the simpler, the better, because you are going to have to clean the whole thing.

• The words.  You better get comfortable using potty words casually and sometimes in public.  Your child needs words for all of the body parts involved, the equipment used and the results produced.  Please teach your child real words, not made up ones.  If you don't, kids like mine come home from school no longer wanting to say penis, because the words his friends use are much funnier.  (Thanks a lot.)  If you must use euphemisms please keep a couple of things in mind:
• I will make fun of you in my head for not being able to say vagina.
• Now is not the time to get creative.  Maker sure that your made-up words are at least standard issue.  Eventually she may have to ask the babysitter or her best friend's mom where the bathroom is.  It is best if other people actually understand what your child is trying to say.  
• Also, be aware that the words have power.  We need words to express ourselves, even if only to ourselves.  Please, please, please don't make your child feel ashamed or inferior about things that are a natural process in life. 

•  Know the other concepts your child has to learn. Learning to use the toilet is actually a fairly complicated process.  It is more than just paying attention to your body.  Your kid needs to know words and concepts for before, during and after; up and down; opened and closed; front and back.  She has to be able to do buttons and snaps (or only wear things with elastic waists) push a stepstool around or find her potty chair.  

• Buy Clorox Wipes!

• Rewards.  Again, not a fan.  The whole point is to be able to phase these out, so the sticker/candy/toy can't be the only reason your child will use the bathroom.  Also, they just didn't work for my kids - except when it made the non-potty-training children jealous, which created a whole new set of issues.

• Consider your child's personality.  Not everything works for every child, so go ahead and read whichever gook you want to, and then be prepared to modify everything