Dear World,

As you may be aware, the rapture, as scheduled for this past Saturday in the Old Testament, did not occur. Many of you are under the impression that this is due to a miscalculation on the part of certain members of your society. Please rest assured that this is not the case. The decision to postpone the rapture, was made by the higher-ups after viewing this product and several others like it:

Scantily clad, un-dead, teenage dolls based off the wildly popular "supernatural romance" genre aimed at six to eight-year-old girls? Honestly, people, what were you thinking? After careful consideration, the decision was made to wait until all who have breathed the same air as the purchasers of these dolls are dead, to avoid any kind of contamination. (Obviously, they will not be making it here.)

Another factor in the decision was that no engineers would have been worthy of the rapture had we proceeded on schedule. We are still using dial-up here and would greatly appreciate an upgrade to our heavenly network. Also, Saint Peter really, really wants an iPad. We are hoping that given more time to prepare, someone from Apple would be ready to join us. Or at least a decent hacker.

Please prepare carefully. We really mean it this time.

Regretfully yours,

Gladys

Senior Administrative Assistant to the Committee on Rapture

Church Comedy

So part of my new calling/job at church is to oversee the Young Women's groups in eight different congregations (aka wards). Mostly we (myself and the two other women in the presidency) are there to provide support to the leaders in the local wards. Today we visited two wards and attended their youth classes.

Sunday School was hil-AIR-ious.

Background: Jesus goes to a publican's house for food and the people give him a hard time for hanging out with sinners. A publican was any Jewish person who collected taxes for the Roman empire. Luke 19:1-10

Teacher: "So, who can tell me what a 'publican' is?"

Girl: "Like, a Tea Party person?"

Teacher: "What?"

Girl: "You know. Like, not quite a RE-publican."

Teacher: "Oh right. The political party? RE-publican. . . publican. . . .I get it.

No. It was a tax collector."

Girl: "So. . .a Democrat?"

Obsessive. Compulsive. Behavior.

It is only a disorder if you suffer from it.

The other day (OK so really, it was last month) I vacuumed my living room three times. In a row.

I have to say, I find vacuuming therapeutic. Not that I am able to do it as often as I'd like, but I really enjoy it. Especially when I'm having a bad day. And it was a bad day. Bad week actually.

I was babysitting my adorable and rowdy neighbor boys. Husband not around much, getting work done for the end of the semester. And it was the three year anniversary of my miscarriage. Basically it sucked.

Then, my oldest's teacher stopped me after school to talk over some concerns. (dun dun DUN) His work is fine, and he hasn't been in trouble, but she has noticed some behavior changes since the beginning of the year - mostly since the new baby. And she recommended that he meet with the school counselor.

My son's teacher thinks he should see a therapist. Great.

I was trying not to overreact, and was only mildly successful. I brought the kids home, gave them a snack and got out the vacuum.

You know who you can hear yelling at you while the vacuum is running? No one.

I already had the baby in the sling from the walk home from school, and she fell asleep as soon as she heard the noise. So I got to cuddle the one child who has been nice to me all day (she can't talk yet) and feel like I was being productive.

Of course I didn't want to stop. That is normal, right?

right?

(sound of crickets chirping)

p.s. Adrienne, have you tried this hold with your sling? You just hold the baby on your hip and then put the sling around both of you, rings on the opposite shoulder. I slid Mimi to the front and tightened it a little more after she had fallen asleep.

Jean Gray doesn't live here

Nor do you want her to.

So Husband and I used to teach a Sunday School class called "Marriage and Family Relations." It was a lot of fun, and I'm sure we learned more than anyone else in the class.

The one bit of marriage advice that came up over and over was "Be Explicit." No-one in your house can read your mind. This is not a movie, and your spouse is not a mutant (no matter how strange he or she is.) So if you want something, or need something, or need someone to know something YOU HAVE TO SAY IT. Preferably with small words while your significant other is giving you undivided attention.

Needless to say, we are not always good at that ourselves. But the other day we were. I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, but Husband commented on it.

Him - "Good job being explicit, love."

Me - "Thanks. You know, we're getting better at that."

Him - "I know! It is so nice."

Me - "Just think, if we keep this up, someday we will understand each other every time we have a conversation."

Him - "Yeah, wouldn't that be great?"

And then he grabbed my breast as he walked by.

*Sigh*

I'm pretty sure that we will NEVER understand each other all the time.

* * * *

My dear husband, who is also my editor, needed some clarification for this post. "But why would you say that we will never understand each other?"

"The fact that you grab my breasts is incomprehensible to me. The fact that you did it right after having a conversation about understanding each other illustrates the fact that you will always do things that I can't understand."

He just stared at me for a minute.

p.s. I'm sure that I do all kinds of things that are incomprehensible to him as well.

That's what HE said

Quotes from a four-year-old

The black cauldron in his hand? It was his easter basket.

* * * *

"Dora is DEAD!"

Wouldn't be so bad if his little sister hadn't been standing right by him. She laughed because he did and then asked me quietly, "Dora's sick?"

* * * *

"Mommy, my penis is growing faster than the rest of my body."

* * * *

While saying the prayer. . . "And please bless our food so that our bodies will grow small and weak."