Schrodinger's Baby

I know I just slipped this in a couple of posts ago, so I thought I'd do an official post now -

Yes, I am pregnant.

The baby is due in May, around John's graduation day. This timing will tell you that it is not as planned a pregnancy as it could be. But we are very excited - mostly. I love kids and want more, but with the miscarriage still fresh in my head and the morning sickness still churning in my stomach, it is hard to work up the proper enthusiasm.

I'm trying to focus on the good. I believe every new life is cause for celebration, and any more of John's DNA out in the world is a good thing (he is so good-looking, his children just make the world a more beautiful place.) But I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night wondering if the nudge I just felt was the baby kicking or a cramp as my body gets rid of another dead fetus.

Until we know for sure, I'm trying to just work from the assumption that everything is fine. And so far all my doctor's appointments have been normal. But we've taken to calling it "Schrodinger's Baby."

Google "Schrodinger's cat" if you don't get it.

And I've decided to name it Karegan Deal. After the Grandmothers (Karen and Megan) and the Grandfathers (David and Neal). The best part is that it is a bisexual name - so it doesn't matter if it is a boy or a girl. - - - - OK, that is really only funny if you have read both "Breaking Dawn" and Sarah and AJ's Christmas card last year. Just chalk it up to an inside joke and ignore it.

Reasons

A couple of weeks ago all the children in our congregation performed the songs, scriptures and concepts they've learned about in the past year's Sunday School to the congregation for a very special Sunday service, also known as the annual Primary Program. It was fantastic. I say this with all the pride of a mother whose children are (finally) old enough to participate.

I've always loved the Primary Program and have even helped both as a teacher and as the music director, but watching my own kids was one of the sweetest experiences I've had as a mother. In fact, I left with a renewed realization that the morning sickness and pregnancy drama are all worth it, and I'll willingly go through it as many times as Heavenly Father wants us to.

Moments like this are the payoff, the reason to have kids in the first place.

Ian spoke his part at the microphone with no hesitation at all, and then his teacher had him stay there while he and the rest of the Primary sang the next song, "Called to Serve." I have no idea when they decided to have him do a "solo" but it was great. And yes, I am his mother, so of course I think it was. But it is his favorite song. He has requested it at bedtime every night since his teachers taught it to him several months ago. He sang as unabashedly as he would have had there been no audience at all. It was wonderful. No video recording of the actual event, but here is a repeat performance.

And they invited the two-year-olds up for a couple of songs which JJ enjoyed immensely, and of course, he was the cutest one.

I know where my kids get it

So my dear husband and I are looking at every one's Halloween pictures on their blogs. Very cute everyone and all that.
Our pictures didn't turn out and we didn't carve our pumpkins. I don't love carving pumpkins anyway: messy, smelly, slimy, and then they rot on the porch, what's not to love?
So I say to my husband: "We didn't carve our pumpkins, is that bad?"
His response: "Yes. We'll burn in Halloween Hell. . . . which is Heaven, I think."

Well, I thought it was funny, guess that is why I married him.

Food, glorious food

I'm reading a great book right now called "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.  It is about a woman's search for meaning/life etc.  The whole first third of the book details her travels through Italy - mostly rhapsodizing about the wonderful food she ate there.  This is not a good book for me to be reading right now, pregnant and slightly nauseous as I am.  Half the time, it sounds great and I'm ready to order Italian right now! and half the time I skim, because who can think about cheese that often?  

I've never really gotten a lot of pleasure out of eating, and I've always been sort of suspicious of people who do.  It doesn't seem normal.  I eat to stop my stomach from hurting, it is a bodily demand that cannot safely be ignored for very long.  So I see food as a sort of painkiller.  You take it when you have to; but people who aren't in pain and take drugs?  these people have a problem and probably need therapy.  People who eat because things taste good?  Who gets pleasure out of a chore?  

I know, there are a lot of people who hate me right now. I know what you're thinking. . . "Oh, you poor thing, you're unhappy because you don't eat ENOUGH? Well let me tell you something, Sister. . . . . "  And we could argue about which is harder, hating food or loving it too much.  I'm not really looking for sympathy.  I've just been thinking about it a lot lately.  And I just want to say, it's no cake walk.