Sunday, March 8, 2015

No power in the 'verse can stop me

Let me begin this post by taking you back in time. Just a short hop to last fall, right around the time that school was starting.....

We had a fantastic summer. We managed to keep a up with a schedule of practicing handwriting and reading (most) everyday while still having lots of adventures with cousins and the zoo and the lake. Then school started. The oldest three were gone all day with teachers I had a lot of confidence in and friends that they loved. After the first couple of weeks of me dropping them off, they asked if they could walk alone - and I figured "Hey, we've been walking there and back twice a day for the past five years, we know the neighbors, the crossing guard, I have absolutely no qualms about them walking home from school safely." And I was at home with only two little darlings, and they actually are quite darling much of the time.

It was phenomenal. My house was organized. Everything had a place, and everyday it was cleaned. It didn't always stay that way, but it didn't matter because it never got that bad. I even started to get a callus on my hand because I was using the vacuum every time it was needed (a lot). [Fun fact: having a clean house isn't nearly as satisfying as I dreamed it would be in those days of bouncing a crying newborn and thinking my life would be better if only my feet weren't sticking to the floor]

Nearly every morning my little ones and I would run an errand in the morning or play at the park. And then we would come home and have lunch and they would play quietly by themselves. No one napped anymore - but no one needed it! The best part was that I wasn't exhausted. With the youngest a whopping two-years-old I was sleeping through the night at least 4 nights a week. I was getting up in the morning to exercise, I had time for hobbies and friends and all kinds of amazing things.

Husband was also in the very final stages of his PhD adventure. This means pressure and deadlines and dissertation, but it also means almost done! And in the shuffling of volunteer responsibilities at church, I had been moved to a calling that was a) more rewarding and b) less time.

We weren't quite at the "Sweet Spot" that this awesome blog post from Rants from MommyLand talks about, but we were so close. So close that I started making plans. About going to Grad School myself, trying out NaMoWriMo, learning to play the piano (again), and possibly getting myself healthy.

It's ok to laugh at my naive optimism.

And then Husband got this great job. Great because he loves it, and great because it comes with a paycheck every two weeks and benefits. He's been working freelance for the past few years, and it has its perks, but steady pay is not one of them. But it was far away, and with the dissertation deadline still looming we decided that in order to have any family time at all we would move closer to his office.

I don't love the new rental. But it suits our needs very well. More space, nice yard, so the fact that all my neat little organizational things from the old place didn't translate at all seems like a small price to pay. I'll figure out how to make it work.

I don't love the new school. We're in a small town, but it isn't really rural. Its a suburb. It shouldn't be asking too much that the school return phone calls or emails within a day. I get that I'm in love with a fast-paced city vibe, but it shouldn't be unusual that I'm asking you to DO YOUR JOB. And they have half-day kindergarten. I recognize that it isn't, but this one feels personal. Like whoever thought up half-day kindergarten hates me specifically and enjoys watching me suffer. My kindergartener doesn't love it either, she was in heaven in school all day. But she is adjusting better than I am.

But I can now walk to my sister's house. And I love it so much it makes up for all those things I don't love. I have free babysitting every other week! I have people to hang out with who like to play games like I do and who already know that my children can be bratty, so I don't have to try and disguise it! And my kids get to play with their cousins a lot! Its amazing. You should all have a sister as awesome as mine to live close to.

And the community center has cheap yoga classes that I feel good after. Another sister of mine invited me to run a half-marathon with her in April, and after looking up training schedules it sounded possible, so I decided to do that too. I even wrote my training schedule on the calendar in pen.

And then one day, during Christmas break I got sick. Just a virus - no big deal. But I didn't get better.....and I didn't get better.....and I didn't get better. One quick trip to the drug store and
TA-DA! Baby # 6, due in August.

It's funny (but not "haha funny") because I got rid of all the baby clothes in the move. And all the maternity clothes, and all the baby toys and various accouterments like bottles and sippy-cups. And also because of the very expensive, very painful, very tiny piece of hormone coated plastic I voluntarily had inserted into my uterus, which is supposed to prevent this sort of thing. No one can tell me where it ended up. The only thing they know for sure is that it isn't where it was supposed to be. Me and my amazing, disappearing, IUD! We should take this magic show on the road.

But, I won't be going anywhere for a while. My world has become very small (again). Bed, bathroom, sometimes I make it to the couch; and long, painful walks one block to the school to pick up the half-day Kindergartner. Where I sometimes throw up in the parking lot before heading home to lay on the floor while said kindergartener makes lunch for her sisters.

This is exciting news. And I will be delighted, when I'm done throwing up. For now I'm trying to remind myself that these things can't last forever. And also that I once felt in control of my life. So I can get there again.

I have also been feeling very blessed, very..... not-alone. I'm comforted by my faith that God can help me through anything. And though He doesn't directly cause all the events in our lives, He is ever ready to help us through them. And probably He thinks this is a little "haha funny".

P.S. That title is a quote from the TV show Firefly, which you should watch. It's meant to be about me, encouraging and all that. But it is also what I would write in the thought bubble over Husband's sperm, were I drawing a comic strip about the little sperm that could.


Megan said...

You crack me up. It will all be worth it when you're snuggling little #6.

Adrienne said...

I still loved that phone call. #6 is already so loved and you are amazing

Melissa said...

This made me laugh. You're such a great writer and have captured your feelings perfectly! I loved your Instagram post of baby #6 giggling earlier this week and it was the post of your two handsome young men this morning that led me to revisit you're blog. You're a wonderful mother and a really fabulous human being. I'm glad we're related!
Carry on!