Faith

About a year ago I was stuck.  I was frustrated.  I felt like I wasn't learning anything new.  I was loosing patience with my kids all the time and feeling awful about it with no real way to stop myself.

So I prayed a lot.  I prayed for patience.  I prayed for grace. I didn't know what to pray for, so I prayed for whatever it was I needed, trusting that God knew what that was.  I knew God would help, after all, it is in His plan that these kids have a good mother, and (even though I don't understand how it is possible) He loves them even more than I do.

And then I got pregnant.  Because God is hilARious that way.  We joked that if it was a girl we should name her Patience, since that is what I was praying for.  But I knew someday I would loose it at her and people would look at me funny for yelling "Patience! Stop it!"

So we named her Sophia, which means wisdom.  I don't know that I feel any wiser; but I do feel calmer, more focused.  And our house is much more peaceful, even if it is at the same time much more chaotic.

A friend told me the other day, "I don't think I've ever seen you happier than when you have a baby in your arms."  And I think she is right.  We already know that I am a baby person.  And it has been fun, because the new one looks a lot like my oldest when he was a baby, but I feel so much more confident in my abilities as a mother now.  (I feel less confident about parenting an 8 year old. . . poor oldest child, just has to train the parents.)

It takes at least six weeks before any baby can really hold eye contact, or begin to respond with smiles to his/her caregivers, and a few weeks longer than that before the first giggle.  The first time I got to really sit with Phi and tickle her and get her to laugh was only a couple of months ago.  It was magic.

I was laughing and she was laughing, and we were in our own little bubble of perfect bliss.  In that moment, I realized it didn't matter that I had been puking and exhausted and ugly for months.  I didn't care about the pain of childbirth or the messy house or the stress of trying to keep everyone happy.  It was all worth it.  Anything I could have gone through in the previous year was worth those five beautiful minutes.

And still, in the evenings when everything is quiet and I have a few moments to kiss that chubby little neck, everything is Ok.  Everything.  I would do it all again and then some to have those cheeks to kiss, that smile, those eyes.

And so this is my Faith.  It may be simple, and silly, but this is what I believe:  Jesus is better than baby cheeks.

When all is over and we get to see our Heavenly Father and Jesus again we will be filled with such joy!  It won't matter that life was awful and people were mean.  We won't care what it took to get us to that moment, because it will be perfect.  We will even think it was worth it, all that it took to get us there.  And Heaven is the place where that feeling goes on and on.  Where broken hearts are mended and and "the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ."

Sometimes I get so discouraged.  Our world is so full of hate and suffering.  I don't believe that this pleases God, and I don't believe that He causes it.  But I do believe He can fix it.  It is possible to heal even the most shattered of lives, the most broken of hearts.  Heaven is better than baby cheeks.

And EVERYONE will get a chance to be there if that is what they want.  I know, who wouldn't want to go to heaven, right?  But I believe Heaven is a place full of people who are genuinely kind and want to serve others.  Not everyone wants to put forth that effort.  And being damned isn't all pain and fire and brimstone.  Being damned is simply being stopped in your progress, like a river is damned.  Not improving and going forward anymore.  God won't force anyone to move forward if they don't want to.  He will simply let them be.  But they will have to be without the baby cheeks.

Incidentally, the last time I prayed this hard for help and left the details up to God, I got unexpectedly pregnant and had a miscarriage.  See, it isn't really about the babies.  It is about whatever experiences we need at any given time.