Victoria's actual Secret

Photo credit: mostinterestingfacts.com

Once upon a time, many years ago I had a job.  A job and no reoccurring bills other than tuition.  During that time I amassed a huge collection of pajamas and shoes.  In fact, every paycheck had a dedicated "pajama/shoe" allotment.  Times have changed, my friends.  Yes, I do miss my purple velvet two inch heels, but let's be honest, it isn't like I'd be wearing them.  I don't usually lament the loss, but around Christmas time I realized that all of my pajamas are older than all of my children.

So I asked for pajamas for Christmas.  Not the interesting kind.  (Side note - bridal shower advice from my aunt:  "You know how to try on lingerie right?  You throw it on the floor and say "Oh good.  It fits." Because the floor is where it will be spending most of its time.")  But I am picky.  They have to be warm enough that I won't freeze if I happen to spend an hour or so on the floor of the bathroom or bedroom with a small child, cover enough that I won't be (too) embarrassed if I have to answer the door in them, and accessible enough that I can breastfeed the newest addition without suffocating him/her, also, the top and the bottom have to match.  My momma is awesome and made me some herself.  Husband took me with him to the store, and when we couldn't find anything, he did some browsing online.  Then he brought me his laptop.

Him:  "I found a couple of sites that may have what you want.  The Victoria's Secret ones are cheaper, but they don't look as warm as the PajamaGram ones."

Me:  "That is because the Victoria's Secret models can't seem to manage buttons.  I'm sure they would be warm if their stomachs weren't hanging out.  Or if they would tuck their breast implants back inside, or just stand up normally.  See?  They have to stick their hips out because they don't have any real curves. . . Who does that?  Please tell me that men don't really believe that women choose to sleep with their pajamas half off unless they know someone will be seeing them."

Him:  "You mean girls don't get together for sleepovers in slutty pajamas and have pillow fights?  Teenage boys the world over will be so disappointed."

Browsing through I noticed something strange about the models.  Not just their abnormally shaped bodies and photo-shopped skin.  In nearly every pose where the model wasn't smiling, her mouth was open.  Not much, just lips slightly parted.  What is that about?  Is there something sexy about a woman with her mouth open?  Or is the stereotype is true; women just talk a lot, and even during a photo-shoot they couldn't get her to shut up?

Photo credit: Victoriassecret.com

I asked my husband, who is my resident expert on all things "sexy." (I personally don't understand the concept of sexy very well.  Husband says I am - but only when I'm not trying.  If I try to be sexy, I just end up laughing.  Somehow our society has labeled giggling as un-sexy, which is just messed up in my opinion.  How is happy not sexy?  But no, we must take our sex very seriously.)

Anyway, I ran my open-mouth-models theories past my husband.  His explanation was much better:

Him:  "No.  They are just hungry.  They lock the models in cages and never let them eat, but the people off camera have food, so the reason the models' mouths are open is because they are saying "fo-ooo-ooo-od." But they are so malnourished that they can't open their mouths all the way."

I love that man.

Replace "food" with "brains" and they are exactly like zombies.  Everything comes back to zombies.

photo credit: stylefrizz.com