Manling

 So I was rubbing lotion on my son's back the other day and I noticed how broad his shoulders are getting, especially compared with his narrow waist.  I know that it is mostly just because he is so tall and skinny and growing so quickly.  But just for a moment, he wasn't my little boy anymore - he was almost a man.  No longer needing me to take care of him or tell him what to do.

It was kind of terrifying, actually.  I felt like my time with him is slipping away so fast.  Soon, I won't be his favorite person anymore.  Truthfully, I'm not his favorite person most of the time now.  Seven-year-olds, well, they're special.  In my mind seven is the new three (ie: the age that is surprisingly difficult and I don't know what to do.) (For more on three-year-olds, go here and here.)

Most cultures have some kind of coming-of-age ceremony around the 7-8-9 ages.  Kids are given more responsibility and privelages.  As I watch my son, I can really see why.  His whole way of thinking is changing.

Most of the development in middle childhood is mental and emotional, the super-fast physical development of the toddler years has slacked off dramatically, deceiving you into thinking maybe things will calm down a little.  Since you can't see the mental development, it may catch you off guard, but trust me, you won't miss anything.  In the infant/toddler years you can go out of town for a week and completely miss a whole stage - not so in middle childhood.  The stages come on gradually and linger and linger and linger - you'll KNOW.

He is developing empathy, which is HUGE.  Empathy means friendships are deeper and more complicated, games and sports are more involved, he can lie intentionally and accurately, he can manipulate.  He can also be very sweet and understanding.  He has a serious fixation with justice and fairness - though fair is defined pretty narrowly as "equal."  Which means we can have fun conversations like this:

Him:  "It isn't FAIR that I have homework and Lil' girl doesn't."
Me: "She's two.  You didn't have homework when you were two."
Him: "So.  It still isn't fair."
Me: "Well, you're just going to have to get over that."
Him: "Well, you're going to have to get over SAYING that."
(Oh and have I mentioned the ATTITUDE?)

There are also a whole vocabulary of grunts and humphs and eye rolls and foot stomps to let me know his displeasure.

The anger is the hardest for me to handle, but also the best thing going on with him right now.  I'll try not to lecture you too much on child-development.  He is getting a lot more control over his emotions, and is able to distract himself from things that are distressing.  So the talking back, foot stomping, ect, are actually replacement behaviors for crying and whining; giving him a little distance and control over the situation.  It's good.  It's also annoying.

All of this is good, and it means that his views on morality can shift from "This is wrong because I will be punished for it." to "This is wrong because it could hurt someone else."

We're Latter-Day Saints, which means that if he chooses, he can be baptized after he turns eight.  We believe that at eight a child can be accountable for his own actions - before this any misbehavior or sin were the direct responsibility of the parent (which is scary).  But at eight, he can make his first covenant with God, and begin to decide what kind of person he wants to be for the rest of his life.  We also believe that any child who dies before eight immediatly goes to heaven, after that, they will be judged on their choices.  But again, the parents are responsible to teach them how to make good choices, and we will be accountable before God for how we taught (and showed good examples to) our children.  So no pressure.

Also, before eight, Satan is not allowed to tempt a child - all misbehavior is a result of the examples children have seen.  After eight, they can start coming up with ideas on their own.

As part of his baptism, he will also recieve a special blessing, the option of the constant guide of the Holy Ghost to help him make good choices.  Every human being has the Holy Ghost to guide them - we usually call it a conscience.  But it comes and goes, and bothers us less the more we ignore it.  But with the "Gift of the Holy Ghost" you can be guided through ALL your choices in life.  Which is cool, when you are willing to always do what is right, which is hard.

Whew!  We're done with Sunday School (for now).  So I'm reminding myself of this as I watch him ignore me and start making decisions simply because HE wants to and not because I tell him to.  (Gee, I wonder where he sees that.)  Now is a good time for him to want to be independant and I need to respect that, even when it is annoying or makes my life more complicated.

The more I pray about what to do, the more the answers come that I shouldn't do anything.  I shouldn't lecture, shouldn't remind.  HE KNOWS.  I just need to let him figure it out.  Do you know how hard that is?  Inaction is not a parenting skill of mine.  But he has been taught right from wrong, and I just need to let the natural consequences take their course.  (Most of the time.)


Also, most of my discipline stratagies have been phazed out now.  You don't really send a seven-year-old to "time out."  I occasionally sent him to his room, but that is more so that both of us can cool off.  See, he usually hides candy in his pockets and a book in his bed - so sending him to his room is not really a punishment.  I do threaten to take away privelages.  But he is most attached to his books, and it is hard for me to want to take those away from him.  "You can't read!" kind of runs counter to our entire parenting philosophy.   Again, natural consequences.  You don't clean up your toys = mom cleans up your toys and you can't find them (no wonder they check the garbage).  And I really can't punish him for attitude.  As annoying as I find it, annoying isn't a punishable offense at our house.  Danger and destruction are pretty much the only things that are.  It's a good thing too - I would be sent to time out regularly based solely on the music I like that no-one else does.

So I'm doing what I always do.  I pray.  A lot.  I highly recomend praying no matter what your religious affiliation is.  Especially as a parent.  And I mean more than meditating.  It really helps me to talk through everything I'm thinking with God (he never repeats what I say to anyone).  After I've explained everything that I'm feeling I'm able to formulate specific questions about what is going on.  Most of the time I already have the answers.  Once I boil down my issues to a specific question, I know how to begin my search for answers.  Most of the time all I need from God is the peace to keep going.  And that He has in abundance.