Bad Mommy strikes again

That pregnant woman leaving Smiths with a howling, bleeding four-year-old, a full cart of groceries and a confused two-year-old? The one you thought probably shouldn't be allowed to have children? That was me.

Grocery shopping has become more complicated as the boys get bigger. They are pretty good about staying with me and not pulling things off the shelves but they've seen it all before - so there is nothing new to look at and they take up too much space to be able to sit in the cart once I've started filling it with groceries.

You may be thinking that those groovy "truck" carts would be a good compromise - keep them entertained, free up room in the cart; fun fact about those carts, they are harder to push, the basket is actually smaller than a regular shopping cart and on the off chance that you can find one, it is inevitably the wrong color (a very big deal around our house lately.)

By the time we are ready to check out the boys are usually climbing all over the place. Thinking it was no big deal, I let Ian climb in the bottom of the cart where you usually put the big, heavy things. Groceries ride there safely right? Yeah, well groceries don't have fingers.

Yup. I ran over his finger with a cart full of food and the added weight of little brother. A week later the fingernail fell off, a mutilated badge he can proudly show to his preschool teacher, Sunday school teacher, Grandma, and random strangers who then look at me for a proper explanation. There is really only one thing to say:

You know those warning labels on every shopping cart? They really mean that.

News

So I've put off this post for a while, but here it is:

We're having a girl.
The ultrasound showed a "perfect" baby girl, due in May. (The doc's words, not mine.) Of COURSE, we're excited. We're SUPPOSED to be excited right? right?
I've been sick of all the expectant smiles people give me as they wait for me to. . . I don't know. . . cheer or laugh or do a little happy dance as I share the news.

A year ago I would have been ecstatic. A year ago I hadn't been so morning sick as to be incapacitated for four months followed by a miscarriage, postpartum depression and panic attacks. A year ago I wasn't surprisingly pregnant only a few months following said miscarriage after deciding that I wanted to wait a while to try again, and then the morning sickness again.

I AM excited, but I'm also terrified and still grieving and having a really hard time picturing anything more that a few days ahead. One of the things I use to deal with grief is to put myself in "toddler time" - the ultimate living in the moment. Right now is real, and I take everything else as it comes and not before. When I thought, but didn't know, that the last pregnancy was not going well, I kept repeating to myself "I cannot grieve for what has not happened yet." As my grandfather lay dying, "You cannot grieve ahead of time. Enjoy now." Even in the middle of the night when my children are not sleeping, I force myself not to think about what that means for the next day. "I'll deal with the cranky child who doesn't want to eat lunch at lunchtime. . . ."

I find this attitude helpful, but I'm kind of stuck in it. It means that I'm not rejoicing ahead of time either. Next May might as well be 200 years away for all the bearing it has on my life right now. People ask me if I'm excited. . . what am I supposed to say? I think my two-year-old's reaction is most like how I'm feeling. Neighbors have asked JJ if he is excited to have a new baby. He stares blankly for a few seconds. . . they ask again. . . he finally responds with a vague "Oh.....yeah."

I know I'm supposed to be happy, so I try to fake it. It just doesn't feel real yet. I'm not sorry, just indifferent.

To take a word from my husband: Meh.

Mommy logic

We always have "quiet time" after lunch. Ian knows the drill and will occasionally take as long as possible eating to delay the time he has to lay down. The other day he was begging for one more piece of chocolate.
"No." I said.
"Why not?" was his obvious reply.
"Because."
"Because, why?"
"Because I said so." (HA! I AM the mommy, I can say that.)
"Ahcc. Mommy, that is NOT a reason to me." He explains as though talking to a, well, toddler.
It was so funny I burst out laughing. He smiled indulgently at crazy Mommy, not getting the joke.
"Well, it is a reason to ME. No more chocolate. "

We go to all this trouble to teach them to think and then they go and think all the time. What is a mom to do?

Things I'm thankful for OR Free Birth Control

(I couldn't decide what to name this post, so take your pick.)

I spent several cold, uncomfortable hours on the floor of my boys' room the other night and I was thinking about all the things I'm thankful for.

• My Husband. How do single parents do it? I'm so glad have someone to call for backup in the middle of the night! And he never complains.
• My health. I've been feeling so much better lately - morning sickness almost completely gone. Always a good thing, but especially good when I have to clean up after a sick child in the middle of the night, a feat all but impossible for me a month ago.
• The fact that JJ, who was sick, was on the bottom bunk that night. Our boys love their bunk bed, and we think its pretty great too; but if you are considering getting one for your kids, keep in mind: 'better sick on the bottom than sick on the top.' (trust me)
• Days off. John was off work most of this week. It was wonderful to have him home and so much easier to face a long night knowing I would be able to nap sometime the next day.
• Prayer. I really, really hate it when my kids are sick, and I usually end up begging Heavenly Father to make it go away - even though it doesn't always happen when I want it to (NOW) I always feel better. And I know he is just as concerned about my kids as I am, because they are his kids too.
• A washer and dryer in our apartment. Pretty self explanatory.
• Cough medicine, and a four-year-old who gets the concept of using a bucket - because soon Ian was up and coughing so hard that he was throwing up too.
• The fact that the new baby has not been born yet. I know a lot of people get really sick of being pregnant and just want the baby out, but I gotta say, it is so much easier to carry around and care for a baby before he or she is born. "Lil' Squirmy" as I like to call it, woke up just as I crawled back into bed and started turning somersaults. I'm thinking, "Knock yourself out, Kid. Just as long as Mommy doesn't have to hear you cry yet."

So even though it has been a rough couple of nights, I'm really very thankful for all the blessings that I have and I wouldn't trade a second of my life. But if you are in need of some reasons to put off having kids, give me a call - I can go into a lot more detail about my week.

Let it Snow

Just because I'm a pansy and don't want to go outside in the cold doesn't mean my kids should miss out on playing in the snow right?

The year of the elephant

We had a great Christmas. JJ got a stuffed elephant as big as he is. He immediately started a wrestling match with it and has been dragging it around the house and sleeping with it every night. He also got a slightly smaller stuffed elephant from his brother which also gets dragged around, bringing the total number of elephants he sleeps with up to five.

Ian got the game Battleship which he plays at Grandma Stevens' all the time. "Oh, thank you, Mommy. This is just what I wanted. I LOVE Battleship. Did you know that I would love it?" (he gets the effusive praise thing from his father).

Also, courtesy of the Grandparents, we have several new cars of varying shapes and sizes. Mostly characters from the movie "Cars." To be fair, we had quite a few to begin with. We now duplicates of some characters, two Maters, two Fillmores, and five (yes, FIVE) cars shaped like Lightening McQueen. The best part is, they are all slightly different. One is "dusty Lightening" one is "clean Lightening" one is "Lightening with bugs in his teeth" and so on and so on. It may seem like a lot, but they play with ALL of them EVERY day. (I aught to know, I make them clean them up every day.) So all in all, they are getting a lot of use out of their Christmas toys - which is what we were hoping for.

John just laughs at me when he sees how excited I get over the toys we buy the kids. But it all depends on how you look at it. Where they see a new game, I see an uninterrupted phone call or two; they see cars, I see five extra minutes to get ready in the morning - I might even get to shave my legs, naturally I'm excited.