News

So I've put off this post for a while, but here it is:

We're having a girl.
The ultrasound showed a "perfect" baby girl, due in May. (The doc's words, not mine.) Of COURSE, we're excited. We're SUPPOSED to be excited right? right?
I've been sick of all the expectant smiles people give me as they wait for me to. . . I don't know. . . cheer or laugh or do a little happy dance as I share the news.

A year ago I would have been ecstatic. A year ago I hadn't been so morning sick as to be incapacitated for four months followed by a miscarriage, postpartum depression and panic attacks. A year ago I wasn't surprisingly pregnant only a few months following said miscarriage after deciding that I wanted to wait a while to try again, and then the morning sickness again.

I AM excited, but I'm also terrified and still grieving and having a really hard time picturing anything more that a few days ahead. One of the things I use to deal with grief is to put myself in "toddler time" - the ultimate living in the moment. Right now is real, and I take everything else as it comes and not before. When I thought, but didn't know, that the last pregnancy was not going well, I kept repeating to myself "I cannot grieve for what has not happened yet." As my grandfather lay dying, "You cannot grieve ahead of time. Enjoy now." Even in the middle of the night when my children are not sleeping, I force myself not to think about what that means for the next day. "I'll deal with the cranky child who doesn't want to eat lunch at lunchtime. . . ."

I find this attitude helpful, but I'm kind of stuck in it. It means that I'm not rejoicing ahead of time either. Next May might as well be 200 years away for all the bearing it has on my life right now. People ask me if I'm excited. . . what am I supposed to say? I think my two-year-old's reaction is most like how I'm feeling. Neighbors have asked JJ if he is excited to have a new baby. He stares blankly for a few seconds. . . they ask again. . . he finally responds with a vague "Oh.....yeah."

I know I'm supposed to be happy, so I try to fake it. It just doesn't feel real yet. I'm not sorry, just indifferent.

To take a word from my husband: Meh.