Hobo Spiders (a rant)

Let me start out by saying: I hate bugs.

"Bug" is the correct scientific term for anything crawly with too many legs. It includes spiders, lobster and butterflies (Yes, butterflies. I find them disgusting.)

And I recently found out that we have hobo spiders in our house. The reason I know this is that I killed one right before my three-year-old stepped on it barefoot when he got up to go to the bathroom. Then (because I must be slightly masochistic) I looked it up on the internet to see what kind of spider it was.

In my defense, I was trying to stop myself from a full-blown panic attack by reassuring myself that my fears are mostly groundless.

Two minutes on a spider website did nothing to calm me down. It may have had something to do with the animated spider icon at the top of the page. (Honestly, what is WRONG with people?) But I did learn some interesting things.

So here are a few fun facts about Hobo spiders:

- They like to live under things. Like broken concrete or other lawn/flowerbed decor that is not exactly flush with the ground. For examples, please come look at the ENTIRE outside of my (rented, and therefore not under my control) house.

- They are mostly nocturnal. As in, when my nerves are already fried.

- They have trouble climbing smooth surfaces. So they can't climb on your bed unless your blankets trail on the ground. For examples, please come look at the way everyone in this house sleeps. Except, of course, for the three-year-old who sleeps ON THE GROUND! (I've tried getting him to sleep in a bed, he just moves his pillow and blanket on to the floor.)

- They mostly live outside. Usually when they come in the house it is to find a mate. Why? Because apparently my nice clean kitchen floor looks like a hip spider single's bar. ("So, creep here often?")

- Though they are poisonous, they don't usually release their venom unless they are hunting. So walking past them is no big deal unless your feet look like food, and rolling over on one is no big deal unless you roll over on it. No sudden moves in your sleep, people.

- They are most harmful to small people.

- Most traps and sprays are only marginally effective. The best way to get rid of hobo spiders is to have their predators around. What hunts hobo spiders? Other spiders. Big ones. That build webs.

None of these facts helped me logic myself out of a panic attack. I ended up pacing with the baby in my bedroom, while grinding my teeth and trying very hard to take deep breaths. If you were not paying attention, I might have been just trying to soothe the baby. Except that she was already asleep. My dear husband tried to calm me down and I did eventually relax. But the next day I bleached as much of the house as possible.

The end result is a clean house, and the fact that I can no longer kneel on the floor by my bed to say my prayers at night. I'm sure Heavenly Father doesn't mind that I kneel ON my bed. I'm choosing to ignore their existence and hope they will do the same for me. But I haven't seen a hobo spider since. Or, as JJ would say: a Ho-ho spider.