Why my husband should NEVER go out of town

I don't sleep very well without him and get bored late at night.

I don't really think that will help

Yesterday we went for an explore, aka walk. We looked at bugs and rocks and trucks and were just enjoying the sunshine. I love to watch my kids discover the world. I forget that there are so many things they have never seen before - like sprinkler pipes before they've been installed: SO exciting. And at the same time, they've picked up a lot that I never realized.

JJ was especially excited about the bugs. "Bug!" he yelled as one scameperd across the sidewalk. And then, "Squish! Squish!" as he stomped on it. Then he had to crouch down to examine its still twitching body. I finally pulled him away with a reminder that we had to catch up to his brother. "Say goodbye to the bug." "Goodbye bug! Have a good day!"

the right words

I've put off this post because I really don't know what to say. I've always enjoyed writing as a way to explain my feelings to myself, but sometimes it is hard to find the right words. There are a lot of different ways to say what I'm thinking, but they don't all fit. I'm not pregnant anymore. I had a miscarriage. We lost the baby. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat and no movement. All of these things are true, but in my head all I can think is: my baby is dead, I have no baby. I've tried to soften it a little when I tell people, because saying it that way is a little harsh, but the situation is pretty harsh - so it fits.

It seems like everyone has been choosing their words carefully lately. From the time the doctor realized something was wrong he quit calling it a baby. I have "options" and a "non-viable pregnancy," not even a fetus anymore. The medication I took was to help "stimulate the uterus" and "pass the pregnancy" as if my baby were a kidney stone, or a truck on the freeway. I'm sure that the jargon is helpful to the doctors when they deliver what is unfortunately, fairly common bad news. And other people too, seem to feel more comfortable using euphemisms. But I didn't loose the baby, it may sound nicer, but it doesn't feel true.

At the same time, while we skirt around the actual details (emergency D&C and 3 units of blood) I feel like some people disbelieve me when I tell them how I'm feeling emotionally. "I'm OK" and "I'm dealing" don't seem to be enough. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. "I'm depressed and I cry a lot"?

I am very sad, but I've had a lot of support and I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me. So, all things considered, I'm doing just fine. In fact, most of the time I'm feeling pretty good. Mostly I feel peaceful and lucky to be where I am and to have the life that I do.

My dear John has been the shining star through this whole situation. I do not know what I would do without him. He is exactly the right mix of understanding and humor for me. I can not say enough about how much I love that man.

AND A FUNNY THING
One of the doctors I met with this week was just getting some background information:

"How many pregnancys is this for you?"

"Three."

"So, you have two normal children?

"Yes." " Well. . . I wouldn't really call them normal. I have two healthy children. Normal is stretching it a bit."

Highlights of my day

Throwing sticks in the water with my boys at the park.

Watching Ian push JJ around the apartment in his dump truck and hearing "Again? More, Ian?" "OK. One, two, three. . .Go!" and hearing them both giggle.

Ian wanting nothing to do with Daddy all evening, not letting him help with legos or kiss his bonked head, but yelling for Daddy from the bathroom to help wipe his bum. (See Honey, he does need you.)

Quote of the day

My cranky children were done with each other by 6 o'clock; and though they usually take a bath together without any fuss, we decided we might all feel better if we gave them their baths alone.  Eion collected all his favorite toys, stretched out in the warm water and said "Ahhh.  This is great."

comfort

He has not been feeling so great and was content to hang out here for a while. I admit, I'm a little jealous, sometimes it would be great to curl up in a tiny ball and be drowned in blankets. In fact, that is a little similar to what my bed looked like before I got married - two body pillows, two regular pillows, several throw pillows and 3 to 7 blankets depending on the season - all on a twin. Maybe it is because I have kids now, but I have very fond memories of great nights of sleep on that bed.

A "Stevens Pile!"

Can you tell who the daddy is? Without the goatee it's hard to tell him apart from his boys.