I've put off this post because I really don't know what to say. I've always enjoyed writing as a way to explain my feelings to myself, but sometimes it is hard to find the right words. There are a lot of different ways to say what I'm thinking, but they don't all fit. I'm not pregnant anymore. I had a miscarriage. We lost the baby. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat and no movement. All of these things are true, but in my head all I can think is: my baby is dead, I have no baby. I've tried to soften it a little when I tell people, because saying it that way is a little harsh, but the situation is pretty harsh - so it fits.
It seems like everyone has been choosing their words carefully lately. From the time the doctor realized something was wrong he quit calling it a baby. I have "options" and a "non-viable pregnancy," not even a fetus anymore. The medication I took was to help "stimulate the uterus" and "pass the pregnancy" as if my baby were a kidney stone, or a truck on the freeway. I'm sure that the jargon is helpful to the doctors when they deliver what is unfortunately, fairly common bad news. And other people too, seem to feel more comfortable using euphemisms. But I didn't loose the baby, it may sound nicer, but it doesn't feel true.
At the same time, while we skirt around the actual details (emergency D&C and 3 units of blood) I feel like some people disbelieve me when I tell them how I'm feeling emotionally. "I'm OK" and "I'm dealing" don't seem to be enough. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. "I'm depressed and I cry a lot"?
I am very sad, but I've had a lot of support and I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me. So, all things considered, I'm doing just fine. In fact, most of the time I'm feeling pretty good. Mostly I feel peaceful and lucky to be where I am and to have the life that I do.
My dear John has been the shining star through this whole situation. I do not know what I would do without him. He is exactly the right mix of understanding and humor for me. I can not say enough about how much I love that man.
AND A FUNNY THING
One of the doctors I met with this week was just getting some background information:
"How many pregnancys is this for you?"
"Three."
"So, you have two normal children?
"Yes." " Well. . . I wouldn't really call them normal. I have two healthy children. Normal is stretching it a bit."
3 comments:
Hello! My name is Noelle and I'm from IN. I came across your blog and read about your recent miscarriage. My heart goes out to you even though we don't know each other. I have 2 boys ages 6 and 1. The big age gap was due to 2 miscarriages over a 7 month span. Very depressing and scary. There did end up being a reason for it; I had developed a blood clotting syndrome after the birth of my first son. So both of my kiddos are miracles to us! Stop by my blog sometime to see us- I'd love to chat with you. Take care:)
Ok, here is my blog site. I forgot my password first! OOPS!
Your family is precious too! I am glad that I was able to brighten your day. It still is hard to look back on the hard times but I know that if I didn't experience them, I wouldn't have what I have today- my beautiful Gage! For some reason, life throws us curveballs and we have to find a way to deal with them. Its unfair and it sucks but things do happen for a reason:)
I'll have to do a scrapbooking post next when I get some free time- you should do one too!
Take care and smile! Noelle:)
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