A word from Miss Manners (or me, pretending to be Miss Manners)

So we're expecting our fourth child. Apparently, this is unusual. (and here I thought we lived in Utah)

Maybe it is just because our children are so close in age, but we get a lot of interesting comments from people. Tactless is a better word for it. For future reference: the appropriate thing to say to anyone who tells you they are pregnant is some variation of "Congratulations." If you know the person well enough, and you sense some ambivalence to that response, you can follow up with ". . . and how do you feel about it?"

Unless the person volunteers the information, birth control methods used and their effectiveness are none of your business. Neither is the quality/quantity of the person's sex life, bank account or family situation.

That isn't to say that some people don't want to talk about these things, just that you should NOT assume that you deserve the intimate details of someone else's life in casual conversation.

On a related note, the correct response to learning a baby's gender is always "Congratulations." Again, you can follow up by asking how the prospective parents feel about this. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hated people saying "Oh good. You got your girl." my last pregnancy. Of course we were excited about having a girl, but that in no way means that we were unhappy with our boys, or that we wouldn't have had more if one of the first two had been "right." It always sounded as if we somehow didn't get it right the first time. Helpful Hint: NEVER - even in the vaguest terms - insult a woman's children. Especially a hormonal, emotional, exhausted, sick woman.

And one last thing; I'm approaching the end of this nine-month-marathon and yes, due dates are approximate. Four weeks or so left. In the abstract, that doesn't seem like very long, but trust me here, I am going to feel every second of every minute of ever hour of every day. Four weeks might as well be four years at this point. Unless you have been calling to check and see how I'm doing every week for the past eight months, now is NOT a good time to start. If I answer the phone, I haven't had the baby. I will call you with this news. If I'm in labor, I'm not going to answer. If I'm not in labor, the question "So, you in labor yet?" will get a response you probably don't want to hear, and I'll have to repent about later. Save us both the trouble.

And if you are in the mood, here are a couple of other posts about what you should and shouldn't say to pregnant women. . . .

Rants from Mommyland: Things I Wanted to say While Pregnant

Pregnant Chicken: 10 Things to Never say to a Pregnant Woman

I found them hilarious, but you may have to be in the situation to really appreciate it.

Dear Baby,

Do not listen to Daddy.

You are not invited to make an appearance until late November.

Do not listen to Daddy.

I don't care if it would be easier for him and his homework load.

I have a list of things that MUST be done before you are welcomed here.

Do not listen to Daddy.

Daddy does not have breasts.

Trust me on this one, Squirt. If you want to eat, always listen to the one with breasts.

Love,

Mommy

Preemptive Apology

To my future daughters-in-law:

Right now it is WAY more important to train my boys to put the toilet seat UP than to remind them to put it DOWN.

So sorry if this causes marital friction in twenty or so years.

If it makes you feel any better, I will teach them the importance of bringing you flowers.

Love from,

your husband's mom.

Quotes of the day

(while swapping knock-knock jokes in the car)

Boy #1 - NO. When I am telling a joke, I get to say the funny part. . . Because I'm so funny.

- - - - - - - - -

Him - Wow. I can't believe the side-view mirror broke like that. That is so weird.

Me - Well honey, you hit a bus.

- - - - - - - -

Super Why

Have you seen this show on PBS? It is one of my favorites.

The characters live in "Storybook Village" and become super heroes with early literacy powers like letter recognition, and rhyme to solve their problems. It is by far, one of the least annoying children's shows available, and it is educational - bonus.

But I have this love-hate relationship with the main characters. The creators were obviously trying to show their tolerance for diversity. Of the two female leads, one is white and one is black, one is "sporty" (Little Red Riding Hood becomes "Wonder Red" with roller blades and a magic bag) and one is "feminine" (Princess Pea becomes "Princess Presto" with fairy wings and a wand). Which is great as far as that goes, but I kind of resent the implication that you can't be feminine and athletic.

The main male character is a boy named Wyatt, the little brother of Jack (from Jack and the Beanstalk). He plays soccer and carries a small handheld computer. He calls the "Super Readers" together when there is a problem and becomes "Super Why" saving his friends with a super computer and a "Why Writer" (as far as I can tell, it is a magic wand).

So if you are giving girls positive, diverse role models, you should do the same for boys right? What else can boys be if they don't want to be athletic or technologically savvy? Who is the other male character?

A pig.

Not just any pig, a construction worker pig. From the Three Little Pigs story.

I really, really hate the underlying assumptions here. I don't really care if PBS is pushing an agenda or just reflecting society at large - it is wrong on so many levels.

The feminist movement did some fantastic things for our culture, but one of the unwholesome lingering effects (in my opinion) is that men seem to have been pigeonholed more and more. Women are given a wider variety of acceptable roles to fill and the traditional roles of men have been re-defined. But they still have a very narrow slot to fill. You can be normal or you can be a pig.

I would add a third option, which for obvious reasons, they couldn't put into a PBS kids show - Our society seems to stereotype men in three ways: boys can be normal (intelligent, quiet, confident) they can be gay, or they can be pigs.

Why do we limit boys this way? Why do we insist they fill these molds? I'm not saying they won't have roles to fill in the course of their lives, or even that there aren't inherent gender differences. I really believe we should all play to our strengths, and some of those are inborn male and female characteristics. But there is such a wider range than we like to acknowledge. I'm not trying to rework the fabric of society here, I'm just saying. . . . . a pig? Come on, people.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

(but you should hear my issues with Thomas the Tank Engine- promoting the British class system much?)

Where Romance goes to Die

My very fabulous sister watched my children so that John and I could go on a date this weekend.

We ran errands. We went to the hardware store and the LDS Church distribution center and the toy store. Then we went to dinner and talked about parent-teacher conferences and how we are going to schedule the coming weeks.

We have officially become old and boring.

But I thought dinner was fantastic. Mostly because at this point in the pregnancy if I'm not sick, I'm hungry and I ate a giant piece of meat. And the errands were necessary. We bought things that will make my life easier/happier and we got most of the Christmas shopping done. I know I'm not going to be up for much shopping later, so it was perfect.

So while popular culture may tell you that you have to spend lots of money and go to exotic places to enjoy a good date - it is a lie.

As far as I'm concerned, requirements for a good date are: build your relationship and enjoy one another's company and explore common interests. Check, check and check. If you also get good food, well, what more could you ask?

I'd like the senior discount with that, please.

School pictures

I keep telling him to stop eating his vegetables and then he won't keep growing.

He doesn't listen.

5 going on 15

Is he in Kindergarten or Jr. High?

And I was pretty sure he wouldn't be getting notes from girls for a couple of years. . . .

Is this normal?